


c'mon and get your kicks

by AndreyaHalms



Series: Super Van Vacation [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Bad Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Identity Porn, Identity Reveal, Idiots in Love, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Uzumaki Naruto, Sasuke is a hot mess, Sasuke is a terrible kidnapping victim, Secret Identity, Under-negotiated Kink, but only medicinally, the uchiha do soft drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26311120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndreyaHalms/pseuds/AndreyaHalms
Summary: Sasuke is horrible at flirting with Naruto. Naruto is horrible at being flirted at by Sasuke.Things sort of...devolve from there.
Relationships: Hoozuki Suigetsu & Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Super Van Vacation [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1965739
Comments: 41
Kudos: 296





	c'mon and get your kicks

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Title from Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet.
> 
> 2\. For those who need to visualise while reading, Sasuke and Naruto are around 26 in this fic. Wrote it keeping Boruto character designs in mind. Sasuke never lost an arm.
> 
> 3\. TW: Refer tags. TLDR: Sasuke's a hot mess.
> 
> 4\. There is a mention of NejiLee, but tagging it would be clickbait for those who're specifically looking for the pairing. So I didn't.

The thing is, Sasuke’s horrible at flirting.

The biggest reason behind this unfortunate gap in his skillset is the fact that he’s never had the need to flirt. He knows that physically, he is what most individuals would refer to as a snack. A walking wet dream. A literal sex god, even, if one were inclined to dramatics. Therefore, all he’s ever had to do is just _look_ at people disdainfully, and they would drop their underwear for him. He doesn’t even have to use his freaky illusionary/mind-control powers to get people into his bed.

So, yes. He is self-aware enough to know that he’s horrible at flirting.

But, he thinks grimly to himself as he stares into the bathroom mirror, that doesn’t mean that he’s not going to fucking _try._

***

Ichaicha.com tells him that one of the most common mistakes people commit while flirting is that they maintain too much eye contact. 

Very well, then. He can fix that. He actually _does_ spend a lot of time watching the object of his affections. It’s even led to fights in the past. In hindsight, his mistake should have been obvious, so he goes around remedying it as soon as he can.

“Excuse me,” Naruto says hotly, arms crossed. In his peripheral vision, Sasuke can see the muscles of said arms buldge attractively. “Do we have a problem here, asshole?”

“Problem?” Sasuke asks, not looking away from the TV. He sorts through the mental list of irksome things Naruto has done since their last argument and finds that nothing crosses the threshold. “No, not at all. Why do you ask?”

“Why?” Naruto screeches. “Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the guy I live with hasn’t looked me in the eye even _once_ the last three days?”

This is what Sasuke thinks:

_I am aware that I have stared at you a lot in the past. Since it would often lead to us beating the shit out of each other, I realise now that I may have made you uncomfortable. As such, I apologise and am trying to atone for my transgressions. Please forgive me. Also, my heart is yours, if you would have it._

This is what Sasuke says:

“Seems like you’re the one with the problem.”

“What,” Naruto grits out, “the fuck?”

Fifteen minutes later, as Sasuke gingerly presses a bag of frozen peas to his swelling eye, he tries to figure out where he went wrong.

***

It's probably his extremely developed brain-to-mouth filter.

***

_Use your smile_ is the next tip Sasuke decides to take from ichaicha.com.

This, too, has some merit. His smirk can get even the most recalcitrant pair of legs into his bed. A genuine smile should be more effective. And his mom _does_ always say that Sasuke looks much better when he smiles - better than Itachi, even.

Smiling around Naruto is easy. He does it a lot when Naruto’s not looking. It’s not that hard to transition into doing it when Naruto’s actually looking.

It’s Saturday night, and both of them are out at the newest pub that’s opened up downtown when Naruto decides to bring it up.

“So,” Naruto says, and leans forward, elbows resting on the table. His clear blue eyes twinkle conspiratorially in the tasteful overhead lighting. His long fingers with their perfectly oval nails are wrapped loosely around the neck of his witbier. Sasuke gets a brief flash of what it would feel like to have those fingers around his dick. Ah, yes, and those pretty lips too. His own hands would cup that tight jawline before sliding up into the infuriatingly messy blond hair. The wet heat as—

Sasuke blinks back to reality in a rush of sound. “Excuse me? Didn’t catch you.”

“Huh,” Naruto says and leans back. He gives a disbelieving laugh. “You must be pretty whipped, huh?”

“What?”

“I was just asking you who’s got you smiling like a loon these days.”

“Like a— like a _loon?”_

“Dude, I know what a guy in love looks like. Been there, done that. So, spill.”

 _This is it!_ Sasuke thinks frantically. _This is my chance! Don’t fail me now, brain-to-mouth filter!_

“I, er…”

Naruto reaches over to grasp his hand. It sends electricity sparking up his arm. “So, who’s the lucky girl?”

“It’s— It’s actually a man.” Yes, yes. Very good.

Naruto blinks in surprise. “But— I thought— All those girls?”

“Gender or sex doesn’t matter to me. Resident manwhore, remember?”

“Oh, okay,” Naruto’s surprise spikes into a look of genuine glee. “So, who’s this guy who has managed to capture the infamous Sasuke Uchiha’s heart? Is it someone I know?”

“Actually…”

“It is!” Naruto crows, looking absolutely delighted. He’s still holding Sasuke’s hand. “I knew it! There’s no way you’d be able to hide a new person from me!”

“Listen—” Sasuke tries.

“No, _you_ listen,” Naruto says, heartfelt support pouring out of every pore. “Sasuke, you know I love you, right? You’re my best bro. I’m so glad you actually found someone who makes you smile like that. I was getting so worried for you, y’know? If you need any help — and I mean _any_ help — to speed things up between you and your beau, let me know, okay? Actually, you know what, I decided I don’t want to pressurize you into telling me who it is.”

“Actually—”

“No, no. I know you’ll let me know when you feel comfortable.”

“Will you let me—”

“Shush,” Naruto says, swiftly placing a finger on Sasuke’s lips. Sasuke stares at the offending digit cross-eyed. “Not another word out of you. Tonight, we drink to celebrate. To young love!”

 _To young love indeed,_ Sasuke thinks mournfully as the waiter places a tray of salt-rimmed tequila shots on the table.

***

Emboldened by the questionable success of the smile thing (Naruto knows Sasuke is in love, so that’s ninety percent of the job done), Sasuke tries to follow the next tip. Ichaicha.com asks him to give compliments, and so he does.

“Wow,” Naruto laughs breathlessly as Sasuke stiffly compliments his water boiling skills. His cheek dimples in a manner that is wholly unfair as he pours hot water into his cup of instant ramen. “Being in love really makes someone appreciate the little things, huh?

***

Clearly, ichaicha.com has good ideas regarding flirting, but the methods seem too generic when the sheer dumbassery of one Naruto Uzumaki is involved. The advice Sasuke needs has to be customized.

So Sasuke decides to pay one of the most observant people he knows (outside of the Uchiha) a visit.

***

“Hyuga,” Sasuke says, dropping out of the sky. Outside his family, Neji is the only super who knows his civilian identity, and is thus tasked with the tricky job of relaying the circumstances of his demise to their friend circle were something to happen to him.

“Uchiha,” Neji sneers. “To what do I owe this displeasure?”

“I need your help.”

Neji immediately goes from faux standoffish to deeply concerned. “What happened? Is somebody in danger? Is Naruto all right?”

Sasuke ignores his questions and in the interest of time, ploughs on. “You have been in a relationship with Lee for the last three years.”

Neji blinks. “Yes.”

“You’re publicly in love with a man who is nothing like you. In fact, most would call you absolute opposites. A disaster in the making, even.”

Neji narrows his eyes dangerously. “What is this about?”

“At the same time, our mutual acquaintances often say that you and I have similar personalities. That implies we have many things in common.”

“Sasuke,” Neji begins awkwardly. “While I appreciate your advances, there is nothing you have to offer me that Lee doesn’t.”

“No!” Sasuke shouts. What the fuck was wrong with everyone? “I came to ask you for advice, Jesus Christ.”

“Oh, thank God,” Neji says, looking visibly relieved. “So, what do you want to know?”

Sasuke explains the situation to him, choosing to omit the part where he’s been feeling this way for the last eight years, give or take.

“I see,” Neji says. “Have you tried telling him directly? Naruto doesn’t seem like the kind of person to understand subtlety.”

“I have. He didn’t let me speak, remember?”

“Ah, yes. Then perhaps you should try confessing without the buildup.”

***

Sasuke settles next to Naruto on the couch. “Naruto. I love you.”

Beside him, Naruto stiffens and puts the TV on mute. He twists sideways to look at Sasuke.

Eye contact? Check.

Casual physical contact? He shifts subtly so that their thighs touch. Check.

All that’s left is for Naruto’s brain to process Sasuke’s words in the spirit in which they are meant.

“Sasuke,” Naruto breathes, eyes shining. “I love you too.”

 _Yes,_ Sasuke thinks numbly. _It’s finally happening._

Naruto pulls Sasuke into a hug and Sasuke smiles into the curve of his shoulder. Butterflies fly in a violently happy churn in his stomach. Warmth spreads through his chest and to the tip of his fingers. His entire being feels light — so light that he feels like he could almost float away.

“I love you,” Naruto murmurs. “You’re my best friend. You’re the brother I never had. A true bro.”

The butterflies die a nauseating death. The blood in his veins freezes into ice. He feels claustrophobic and trapped, like the ground is swallowing him whole.

Blithely, Naruto continues. “Balls before dolls, yeah? You’ve been really tense the whole day. Is everything alright? How’s your boyfriend?”

"Yeah," Sasuke bites out. "I haven't. Yes. Just peachy."

Because he’s feeling especially sorry for himself, he doesn’t break out of the hug and they stay like that till the movie ends, and then some more.

It’s past midnight when Sasuke wakes up and finds himself still on the couch, head pillowed on Naruto’s lap, with absolutely no recollection of ever lying down.

Naruto smiles at him fondly, all genuine warmth and dimpled cheeks and white teeth, and calls him his Sleeping Beauty.

***

“Hey,” Lord Seventh says and puts a golden, glowing hand on Sasuke’s cloaked shoulder. “You okay, Avenger?”

“I’m fine,” Sasuke bristles, shrugging the offending hand off.

“Really?” Seventh asks dubiously. “Because you smell very drunk to me. And high, too."

"The cannabis is medicinal. Helps with my blood pressure."

It is. It does. It's an Uchiha thing. They grow their own.

"Listen, if you’re compromised, take the night off. I’ll cover your rotations.”

Sasuke gives a weary sigh. “I don’t want to go home.” He sits down at the very lip of the terrace of the skyscraper they’re on just to make his point.

“Oh?” Seventh asks, joining him. “Anything you want to talk about?”

“No.”

“Suit yourself,” Seventh says with an easy shrug and looks down at the city lights spread out below them. “It’s a quiet night, anyway.”

They settle into a companionable silence. Sasuke pulls out a bottle of gin from a side dimension, twists open the cap, and takes a long, deep swig.

“Wow,” Seventh says, with the distinct air of someone who has burning questions but is too polite to ask. Lord Seventh of _what,_ Sasuke has no clue. What happened to the first six?

“Want some?”

“Ah, what the hell. Give.”

They pass the bottle back and forth, with the other man dissolving the lower half of his fox mask so that he can take his sips. Sasuke keeps his eyes respectfully averted from his face.

“Don’t fall,” Seventh warns when Sasuke suddenly lurches sideways. “I’ll catch you, obviously, but still.”

“I wish I was dead,” Sasuke says honestly.

Seventh snorts. “If you don’t want to go home, is there somewhere else you can crash?”

“No.”

“Because I seriously think you should take the night off.”

“Fine,” Sasuke says mournfully. His partner’s right. As unstable as Sasuke’s feeling at the moment, he might actually end up killing criminals instead of peacefully apprehending them. “Ping me if you need assistance.”

“Sure.”

Sasuke staggers to his feet and spreads his arms, and falls backwards off the building. The air rushing past his ears and hair is nice. Peaceful.

The last thing he sees is a beacon of gold chakra before the dark portal opens behind his back, and he lands softly into his woefully empty bed.

***

One of Sasuke’s best (or worst, depending on whom you’re asking) traits is his single-minded determination. His sheer, unwavering focus on his goals.

He’s the unstoppable force, sure, but the hell is he supposed to do in front of an immovable object?

***

“Huh,” Suigetsu says, swimming around in his tank. He flicks some water with his billowy, purple tail fin on Sasuke, who conjures a handful of flames to dry himself off.

“Huh,” Suigetsu repeats. “Have you tried the jealousy route?”

“The what route,” Sasuke says flatly.

“See, he thinks you have a guy, right?”

“Yes.”

“So all you have to do is find a hot piece of ass to parade in front of Naruto, thus driving him to insane jealousy and making him realise the full extent of his homoerotic feelings towards you.”

“How is that supposed to help? Naruto’s the last person who would be a homewrecker.”

“Yeah, that’s where the second part of the plan comes in. See, this hot piece of ass actually turns out to be a giant dick who definitely manipulated and abused you into staying with him. Naruto saves his beautiful princess from said dick and they live happily ever after.”

“That...might actually work,” Sasuke admits. Naruto’s secret hero complex is no secret. “But where am I supposed to find a guy who’s willing to go along with the ruse? The person has to be believable _and_ someone Naruto has met before.”

Suigetsu simply grins toothily at him.

“No,” Sasuke says, horrified.

“Yes,” Suigetsu insists, a manic glint in his eye.

“Nobody will ever believe it.”

“Hey, fuck you. I’m like one of the five people on this planet you have any chemistry with, and one of them is your fucking _brother.”_

Sasuke narrows his eyes suspiciously. “What’s in it for you?”

“Entertainment, mostly,” Suigetsu says, hauling himself out of his tank. His tail slowly recedes and splits into two naked legs. “But also, even though we are on the opposite ends of the moral/ideological spectrum these days, you’re still my bro.” Sasuke twitches at the B-word. “I just want to help my bro—” Another twitch, “—out.”

***

The opportunity to set Operation Assdick (as crudely coined by Suigetsu) in motion arrives fairly soon when Hinata throws her annual pool party in her family mansion.

“I’m going to bring my boyfriend,” Sasuke tells Naruto. “Nobody except you knows we’re together, and I’d prefer if you’d keep it that way.”

“Of course, Sasuke,” Naruto promises, voice warm. “Your secret is safe with me.”

***

“Ah, Suigetsu!” Naruto exclaims and pulls him into a tight hug. “It’s so good to see you. It’s been far too long.”

“Did you see his face?” Suigetsu cackles later to Sasuke. They’re standing away from the crowd, near the sculpted rose bushes, still in their swimming trunks. “He looked ready to cut me. It was amazing.”

Sasuke slings his arm casually around Suigetsu’s bare shoulders in a gesture that could be construed as either gay or friendly, depending on who you were.

“I don’t know,” he says doubtfully. “He looked pretty happy to see you.”

“Nah,” Suigetsu assures. By the pool, a shirtless Naruto laughs at something someone says, all of his eight million abs on glorious, glistening display. “You should have felt the hug. He was so tense. Fakest fucking hug I’ve ever been given, and I’m including that weird attempt of yours at comforting me when we were still kids.”

Sasuke catches Naruto glancing their way, and in a genius stroke of inspiration, he tenderly pulls Suigetsu closer to himself. Naruto grins and flashes them a double thumbs up.

When the beer by the pool starts to run out, Sasuke and Suigetsu quietly slip into the kitchen. They have a brief but intensely whispered debate, and Sasuke lets Suigetsu steal only one of the Hyugas’ ornate silver knives as a compromise.

“He’s coming,” Sasuke says, glancing out of the window. He lays down on the floor in his swimwear, and Suigetsu straddles him.

“I’m gonna make it look as realistic as possible, okay?” Suigetsu says. “Put up a good struggle.”

He wraps his hands around Sasuke’s throat and squeezes.

“Harder,” Sasuke says.

Suigetsu’s fingers tighten. “Start struggling.”

“It doesn’t make sense for me to struggle if you’re just holding me like that. I can’t feel anything.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Because, dude, you’re starting to look a little blue.”

“Choke me like you mean it, you coward,” Sasuke all but yells in frantic frustration.

There’s a gasp and the two of them snap their heads towards the doorway.

“Uh,” Naruto says, eyes wide and face red. He opens his mouth and closes it. He swallows. He opens his mouth again. “Uh, Sasuke. I didn’t know you were into erotic asphyxiation. Heh. What a weird thing to know. I’m just gonna — uh. Beer. You two carry on.”

Naruto walks stiffly into the kitchen, blindly grabs a carton of beer from the chiller, and practically runs off.

“What the shit,” Suigetsu asks incredulously when he’s gone. “Did we just fail? How did Operation Assdick fail?”

Sasuke sighs and rubs his face. “Now you know what I’m working with.”

“Jesus, dude. I’m so sorry for you.” Suigetsu releases Sasuke. “Also _are_ you into erotic asphyxiation?”

“...Yes.”

“Huh. That _is_ a weird thing to know. Wanna fuck?”

Another sigh. “I could do with the serotonin.”

***

“Have you ever been in love?” Sasuke asks Seventh, his cloak flaring dramatically as they take out a group of smugglers trying to move some very large radioactive boxes.

“What?” Seventh asks. “Love?”

Something explodes, and the conversation takes the back seat for the moment.

After everything is done and dusted, and the statement to the police given (where Sasuke and Itachi pretend, as usual, to be barely-civil coworkers instead of close brothers), Sasuke finds himself on the terrace of another skyscraper with the familiar city lights spread underneath him like a blanket of fireflies.

“What were you saying about love earlier?” Seventh asks.

“Just asked if you have ever experienced it.”

“There are many kinds of love. What kind do you mean?”

Sasuke takes a moment to think about it. “The pragmatic kind. The kind that endures over the years, through both of your best moments and worst, and everything in between. The kind that doesn’t grow as much as it slips through the cracks and finds its roots in the very essence of your soul, till your entire existence is centred around it. The best kind.”

“Fancy.”

“It is what it is.”

Sasuke can’t see Seventh’s face through the mask, but his eyes through the almond-shaped holes also glow golden, the pupils slitted. “Is that why you’ve been so miserable the last few weeks?”

“More or less.”

“Right,” Seventh comments. Then, he says, “Yes, by the way. I guess I have been in the kind of love you spoke about.”

“Oh?” Sasuke asks, curious. “What’s it like?”

“Horrible. Simultaneously the best and worst thing I’ve ever done. I’ll tell you my story if you tell me yours.”

“Well,” Sasuke sits down and dangles his heavy boots over the ledge. “I’ve been in love with my best friend and roommate for a very long time. And I thought he felt the same about me.”

“Did you ever tell him?”

“I did,” Sasuke says, unable to hide his bitterness. “I told him directly. I told him indirectly. Subtle manipulations were also involved. He refuses to understand. I know for a fact that he’s not as stupid as he pretends to be, which makes me wonder if I’m actually miscommunicating my intentions, or if he’s just deflecting me on purpose. Stringing me along. If so, then that’s just cruel. I’d rather he let me down instead of having him pretend that he doesn’t know how I feel just to preserve our friendship.”

“Sounds like dick.”

“He can be, sometimes.”

Seventh is silent for a while. “Do you want further opinions or my story?”

“Your story. I’m tired of thinking about myself.”

“Fair enough. Well, coincidentally, I am also in love with my best friend. It was love at first sight for me. But he’s never shown any long term romantic interest in anyone before now. He is actually — well, he was actually a firm and vocal believer in quick one night stands, so I chose to be friends with him instead of dangling the inconvenience of a relationship in front of him.

“Our friends call him a — a manwhore, and he has always proudly taken to the title like a fish to water. That's one of the things I love about him, you know? How he does what he wants and doesn't care about what people think. But then, I learnt that he’s actually in a happy relationship with someone he’s always considered a friend first. And I can’t help but hate him a little bit for it. Because it could have been me, had I made an effort. It _should_ have been me, had he let me in.”

Despite himself, Sasuke smiles slightly. “What a maudlin bunch, aren’t we.”

“Amen to that. Don’t suppose you have some booze hidden away somewhere, do you?”

Sasuke’s smile widens and some of the constricting weight around his heart lessens. “All you had to do is ask.”

***

Sasuke doesn’t give up, per se, but he does lessen the severity of his efforts in order to regroup and come up with a new strategy. He still cooks for Naruto, goes out for drinks with him and kicks his ass in video games. He still tries to smile at him sometimes, although he suspects it starts to look more and more like a grimace as the days pass.

He also starts spending a little less time in their shared apartment and more time at his job (the one that feeds his bank account) and his vocation (the one that feeds his ego). He gets closer to Lord Seventh, settling into an easy camaraderie based on shared romantic failures. Sometimes, he wonders if he could ever get over Naruto and pursue something with Seventh — an extremely competent, intelligent and compassionate man.

Then he returns back home and sees the pile of empty dishes in the kitchen sink and the large patch of saliva Naruto’s leaving on the couch because he’s dozed off there waiting for Sasuke _again,_ and he knows where his heart truly lies.

***

_Sasuke,_ Naruto texts him pitifully one day. _You’re working from home today, aren’t you? I need your help._ _:(_

 _What,_ Sasuke sends back.

_Forgot my phone charger. My room, bedside socket. Can you bring it?_

_Sure,_ Sasuke agrees. _See you in an hour._

 _Thanks!_ Is the grateful reply. _I owe you one. <3_

Sasuke enters Naruto’s room and freezes. It’s been, what? Years, maybe, since he has crossed the threshold into Naruto’s room in any of their shared apartments? He still has nightmares about the time he'd stepped barefoot on the large, rotting toad. Point is, there’s a literal shrine dedicated to Sasuke that wasn’t there previously.

Rather, Sasuke’s alter ego. The Avenger.

He sees a wall's worth of posters, all the action figures ever released, an array of keychains, a mug, and even the limited edition Lego Superheroes kit. Together, it must have cost a small fortune.

Sasuke snaps a picture and collects the charger.

“Didn’t know you were a fanboy,” Sasuke smirks when he meets Naruto for lunch in the little bistro near his office.

Naruto goes pink in the face. “There’s nothing wrong with liking pop culture.”

Sasuke’s smirk grows wider. “Seems more than just like to me.”

Naruto’s blush deepens. Even the tips of his ears are red. Incredible. Sasuke wants to run his tongue over the narrow heat there. “Oh, shut up.”

“I’m just surprised, that’s all. I thought you’d be more of a Lord Seventh kind of guy.”

“Are you typecasting my preferences? The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“You know,” Sasuke waves his hand elegantly. “Paragon of virtue and justice. A beacon of hope. The light that illuminates the darkest corners. The man who is the literal embodiment of a ray of sunshine.”

Naruto grimaces. “Yeah, but that stuff gets so old after a while. The Avenger is way cooler.”

“Cooler?” Sasuke gapes. “You know what they say about him. He’s a violent psychopath with no idea of self-restraint.”

“Yeah? Then Seventh is a self-entitled dick! Always going on about hope and heart, as if those are the only things that are enough to make the world work. I’m telling you, it’s all fake. Nobody can be that proper all the time.”

“Naruto, hope is an ideal. Without hope, there is no reason to continue living. Besides, the Avenger was an actual supervillain until very recently, or have you forgotten that?”

Naruto bristles, strangely defensive. “So? He’s on the good side now, isn’t he? Everybody’s so quick to shit on him, but nobody’s ever bothered to ask him what made him go bad. Nobody’s sure as fuck ever cared to know what made him turn good!”

 _It was you, you idiot,_ Sasuke thinks faintly as the conversation spirals out of control. _I woke up one day and realised that I don’t want to live in a world where you’d be disappointed in me. You made me hope for a better life._

“Seventh has it easy,” Naruto continues, voice hitting fever pitch. Other patrons are beginning to throw curious glances their way. “He has been accepted by the people since Day One. Instant goodwill and acknowledgement and accolades wherever he goes. I’ve even seen mothers thrust their babies at him, I've—”

“That’s my point exactly," Sasuke interjects. "Seventh’s burdened by perfection. He can’t allow himself to slip and show the regular guy he is underneath.”

“You’re wrong,” Naruto says coldly. “How is being universally loved ever a burden? Even when he slips up, he’s treated with sympathy. Remember the bridge thing? Nobody gave a shit. The Avenger accidentally manhandled a dog once and everybody, especially those assholes at PETA, started baying for blood.”

Sasuke remembers that incident, involving a particularly feisty Pekingese, a collapsing building and an inconvenient round of rabies shots. It had been quite amusing in hindsight. He doesn’t understand why Naruto’s getting so worked up about it.

“Why are you getting so worked up? If the Avenger really cared about what people thought about him, he would have put more effort into PR.”

Naruto slumps back into his seat and deflates. “I kinda hate it when shallow pricks like you start giving him shit without sparing half a thought for the man behind the mask." He gestures expansively with his arm. "He could be sitting here, in this cafe, right now, having his lunch with a friend. Just like you and me. And we'd be none the wiser.” Naruto scratches the back of his head sheepishly. “Guess I’m a fanboy after all, huh?”

***

Sasuke wants to laugh at the irony of it all. Naruto clearly has a crush on Sasuke, but not on _Sasuke._ Not on the best friend and...bro, but on the dangerous and morally ambiguous vigilante.

Maybe he can find it in himself to laugh if he gets drunk enough.

***

Seventh hovers disapprovingly a few inches of the ground, arms crossed. Even the edge of his golden haori manages to float disapprovingly.

“Go away,” Sasuke groans.

“I will,” Seventh says tartly. “When you decide to stop bleeding all over the street. Atleast do it in the park. It will be good for the soil.”

“Fuck,” Sasuke wheezes. “Can you dim down a bit? You’re giving me a migraine.”

“No,” Seventh replies tersely. “I’m operating at minimum brightness.”

“Fuck,” Sasuke repeats, with feeling. He squeezes his eyes shut, but the afterimage of the searing, bright being in front of him still remains. His eyelids are washed orange, and he can see the network of veins. He opens his eyes and decides to power through his headache. Turning off his ocular powers would help, but he doesn’t want to risk it.

Seventh sighs and his golden and black feet touch the ground. “What happened here, Avenger?”

“A little mugging, that’s all. The woman is safe.”

“A mugging? _You_ got stabbed in the _gut_ because of a little mug— Are you drunk again?”

Sasuke thuds his head against the brick wall he’s leaning against. The world spins. “A little bit.”

“Bro,” Seventh says quietly. “You really need to get your act together.”

“What’s the point?” Sasuke asks despondently. “Maybe I should finally kill myself.”

Seventh’s golden skin flares dramatically for a second before it dims back down. “Nobody’s killing themselves.”

“No, I mean, I should kill my civilian identity,” Sasuke says, the idea beginning to sound more and more appealing. “Turn this vigilante thing into a full-time affair.”

“Is it still about your guy?”

“When is it not?”

Seventh crouches down so that golden eyes meet mismatched red and purple, and places his palm over the deep gash in Sasuke’s abdomen. Inch by inch, the pain subsides.

“Don’t you have people who will miss you if you’re gone?”

“I don’t have many civilian friends,” Sasuke shrugs. “Mostly acquaintances, none of whom are personally attached to me. My family knows of my nighttime proclivities. I won’t be leaving much behind.”

“And what about this best friend of yours?”

“He has no clue who I am, so he won’t take it very well. But he has an extensive support network. Nobody is irreplaceable. He’ll live.” Then, because Sasuke’s genuinely curious and he knows that he’ll get an answer, he asks, “What about you?”

“Oh, I have loads of people who are close to me, including my guy. They’ll be absolutely gutted if something were to happen to me.”

Sasuke barks out a laugh. “I can see that.”

“Yeah,” Seventh says. Sasuke can hear the smile in his voice. He gently helps Sasuke stand. “I’ve healed you the best that I can. You good?”

“Good enough. Thanks.”

“No problem. And listen, the next time you want to blow off some steam, ping me, okay? We’ll spar. You don’t need to get yourself stabbed just for the adrenaline rush.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Sasuke says, genuinely touched. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it." Then, abruptly, he adds, "Can I tell you something?”

Sasuke quirks an eyebrow. “Sure.”

“It’s gonna sound a little weird.”

“You had your fingers in my intestines just now. I can handle a little weird.”

Seventh takes a deep, fortifying breath. “Sometimes, I think…well, sometimes I think that if I didn’t love who I did, I could have very easily fallen for you.”

Sasuke feels his eyebrows fly up to his forehead. “You mean a hot mess like me?”

Seventh laughs, charmed. “I don’t know about the hot part, but yeah, sure. A mess, definitely. You’re not a bad guy.”

“Well,” Sasuke confesses. “Then I should tell you that I think the same too. You would have been an extremely easy person to love for me, had my heart not belonged to someone else.”

“But where’s the fun in easy, right?”

“Right,” Sasuke agrees, and tips back to make a dramatic exit, a portal opening up behind him as he falls.

Seventh’s eyes widen in surprise and concern, and he reaches out to stop what he presumably thinks is a fainting fit. The next thing Sasuke knows is that he’s falling out of his ceiling and into his bed, with a very warm, lean, muscled superhero on top of him and his easily excitable dick.

Their masked faces clunk awkwardly, and Sasuke’s who’s still feeling a little woozy, sees stars. Seventh scrambles off him and practically leaps out of the bed.

“What the fuck,” he says, voice unnaturally high, and oh no no no. This is bad. “What the fuck are we doing here? Do you live here?!”

“No,” Sasuke says, sitting up and desperately praying that his voice sounds as impassive as ever. “I don’t like going home to my miserable love life, remember?”

“Oh,” Seventh relaxes fractionally before stiffening up again. There’s a thread of accusation in his voice. “You didn’t answer my first question. What are we doing here? Whose room is this?”

“Just a guy,” Sasuke says, drawing inspiration from his reputation of promiscuity. “We sleep together sometimes. Nobody special.”

“Of course,” Seventh growls, a cross between furious and depressed. He runs his golden fingers through his golden hair, making it spike up erratically. “It _has_ to be everyone except me, doesn’t it?”

Yeah, okay, Sasuke gets that. Seventh was probably the kind of person who would not sleep with someone if he did not feel an actual connection with them. Sasuke has no such inhibitions, but it makes sense that Seventh had assumed that the both of them had similar views on casual sex on top of all their other similarities.

Sasuke briefly considers offering to help him rub one out — celibacy is a moronic way to deny someone a mood-booster — but he thinks that the other man won’t appreciate the offer in the spirit in which it is intended.

He places a commiserating hand on Seventh’s shoulder while the other mutters angrily under his breath _(fucking asshole, I hate him so much, I can’t believe his guts)_ instead.

They stay there for a while, till Seventh’s furious muttering devolves into quiet sniffles.

“Do you want a portal?” Sasuke asks after a considerable amount of time. They’ve migrated to the bed, with their backs against the wall. Seventh’s head rests listlessly against his shoulder, and Sasuke misses Naruto with an existential sort of pain. “I can drop you home. Or wherever you want to go.”

Seventh shakes himself out of his stupor. “What’s the time?”

“A little before midnight.” He has to go to work in the morning.

“The owner of this room isn’t back yet?”

“He told me to expect him here at quarter past twelve.”

“You don’t need to drop me back,” Seventh says and stretches his limbs. His knee bumps into Sasuke’s. “I can do with the fresh air. Thanks, though, for…” He waves his hand.

Seventh leaves out of the window with a backward glance. Sasuke gets the uncanny feeling that although he’s looking at Sasuke, he isn’t really seeing him at all.

***

“So,” Naruto leers the next evening. “I heard some interesting noises from your room last night.”

“Mind your own business,” Sasuke says easily, flipping the egg.

Naruto squawks. “I _was,_ till I heard sounds from your bedroom! It didn’t sound like Suigetsu, though.”

Sasuke stares. “How do you know what he sounds like in bed?”

“I— I’m not deaf. The tone of his voice is different, okay? So,” Naruto sidles up to him. “The question is, my dear Sasuke, what was an unknown man doing in your room last night?”

Sasuke can finally come clean. He can say, _Suigetsu and I have never been a thing._ Or even, _I’m actually the Avenger and I was helping my superhero partner out through a rough patch._ On the other hand, if he wants to be petty, he can say, _I had your favourite celebrity up my ass last night._

But the truth is, he’s exhausted. He doesn’t want to deal with Naruto’s obliviousness, faked or otherwise. And he doesn’t want to be petty or lie or be bombarded with either more fucking questions or sympathy.

So, he says evenly, “You’re right. It wasn’t him. It was some other guy.”

Naruto blinks at the surprising lack of resistance. “Did you and Suigetsu break up?”

“We’re in an open relationship.” There. Now he doesn’t need to skulk around whenever he goes out to get some.

Naruto looks shocked. “How does _that_ work?”

There’s something nasty, like judgement in his voice, which immediately rubs Sasuke’s already frayed sanity the wrong way. “It works. You and your Victorian sensibilities won’t understand. I don’t want to talk about it with you.”

Anger and hurt flashes through Naruto’s face. “Fine,” he snaps. “See if I ever care about your happiness again.”

Sasuke turns the stove off and crosses his arms, pissed. Naruto's never been this immature about who Sasuke brings to his bed. “I never asked you to. Don’t force yourself.”

“You— You’re a really horrible person, you know that? Like, actually, legitimately horrible.”

“Maybe,” Sasuke says, and he knows he shouldn’t be saying what he says next, touching things that they promised as boys to never touch again, but he can’t help himself. Going at each other’s throats is so much more easier than fucking _flirting._

“Maybe,” Sasuke repeats coldly. “But you’re the one who’s too terrified to let me go. I wonder what that makes you.”

The look on Naruto’s face is almost inhuman in its ugliness.

As they roll on the floor, kicking and punching and bumping into furniture, Sasuke idly catalogues the ways he could kill Naruto if he really wanted to. A broken neck, a cracked skull, a ruptured liver. He could reach through his ribs and pull out his heart and finally keep it for himself. Or, if he didn’t feel like lifting a finger, he could electrocute him precisely enough to make his internal organs fail while keeping his outer appearance unblemished. He could let his hungry black flames devour Naruto, watch them reflect in those beautiful blue eyes of his as Naruto screamed and screamed into the night.

Sasuke really is a horrible person.

***

Then suddenly, they’re kissing.

Naruto weights a ton and is strong as fuck as he keeps Sasuke pinned to the ground. He’s drawing blood from Sasuke’s mouth, his breath comes in harsh, angry puffs, and his dick is a searing weight as he grinds gracelessly against Sasuke’s own arousal.

Sasuke’s overwhelmed. His mind is going blank. Disjointed. This is everything he’s ever wanted and is by far the hottest situation he's ever been in. But some deep, primal part of him that controls his survival instinct is also a little terrified.

Something shifts, and Naruto gets just a tiny bit more violent. His kisses get sloppier, more demanding. He yanks Sasuke’s dark hair roughly with one hand; with the other, he reaches between them and takes his own dick out of his sweatpants, fist brushing rhythmically against Sasuke's navel as he chases his orgasm. He comes with a restrained groan, wet warmth spilling on Sasuke’s abdomen.

Naruto draws back and spits out a mixture of blood and saliva. It lands on the marble floor, barely missing Sasuke’s face, and he gets a little bit of the resulting splatter on his cheek. He looks down at Sasuke, chest heaving, pupils blown wide and skin flushed prettily.

Sasuke, with his heart hammering wildly and dick incredibly hard, coolly raises an eyebrow.

“I don’t share what’s mine,” Naruto growls nonsensically, gets up, and stalks out of their apartment, slamming the door on the way out.

Sasuke exhales and wipes his cheek, before eventually getting up to clean himself. 

His dinner is a cold, congealed mass by the time he’s done.

***

_?,_ Sasuke texts Naruto two days later, who hasn't been home since he walked out that surreal night.

When he doesn't get an immediate response, he takes a moment to reflect on everything that had transpired between the two of them.

 _I’ll go stay with Itachi for a while,_ Sasuke offers after adequate reflection.

When he gets no response even after eight hours, he sends, _Left keys with neighbours._

***

“Your chakra is all over the place,” is the first thing that Itachi says when Sasuke lands up on his doorstep. “I’m telling Mother you’re ignoring your meditation exercises again.”

Sasuke scowls at him, but leans into the touch anyway when Itachi fondly ruffles his hair.

***

His mother calls him a few hours later to tell him how wayward chakra pathways are bad for one’s bowel movements. From the background, his granduncle Madara yells something about the laxative properties of THC.

***

A while turns into a whole month. Sasuke tries to convince Itachi that he's not hiding from Naruto. But since Itachi is a perfect, omniscient, genius prodigy, he is not that easily fooled.

All things considered, it feels nice to be doted upon by his brother and his sister-in-law. His baby niece is extremely cute too, although bewilderingly possessive of Sasuke's attention.

"She's just like you used to be," Itachi says nostalgically.

"I was never this clingy," Sasuke protests, almost dropping into a panic attack when the fat infant in his lap starts chok— oh, it's just a noisy burp.

***

Naruto doesn’t reply back to his earlier texts or contact him in any other way. By the end of the second month, Sasuke moves into a new one bedroom apartment downtown, close to his office.

He still sends Naruto his part of the rent on their shared apartment, partly as an olive branch, partly as a way of saying _I’ll come back if you want me to,_ partly because he can afford it, and partly because he knows that Naruto can’t.

***

“I messed up,” Seventh says gloomily. The bright golden light that always surrounds him looks closer to a pale, urinal yellow.

“What happened?” Sasuke asks.

“Got into a fight with my guy. Practically drove him away.”

“Hn,” Sasuke says. “Maybe the distance will be good for you.”

He speaks from personal experience. It’s been good. He’s more productive now that he’s no longer constantly reminded of what he can’t have.

“No,” Seventh says glumly. “It was a horrible fight. I lost control and seriously hurt him.”

“Lost control?”

“I’m not alway luminous, you know,” Seventh sighs. “I roughed him up quite a bit. He said the one thing he never should have said. I was so mad. You should have seen his face, Avenger. It was a bloody mess. And the worst part is…” Another deep, miserable sigh. “The worst part is the sexual assault.”

“What did you do, accidentally touch him somewhere inappropriate while fighting? It’s okay, it happens.”

“It doesn’t just _happen,_ Avenger. It was degrading at best, and he was seriously freaked out. Now he’s gone and I don’t know how to make amends.”

“Have you tried apologising?”

“A simple apology isn’t enough,” Seventh says quietly. “Whatever you’re imagining I did to him, it was much worse. I can’t exactly go up to him and say, ‘Hey, I’m the Lord Seventh guy on TV, and I’m so sorry for treating you worse than I treat actual criminals. Can we be friends again?’”

“I know the kind of person you are, Seventh. I’m sure an apology would be a good starting point.”

A sigh. “You know, whenever I try to sleep, I can’t get the sight of his mangled face out of my head. How can I call myself a superhero if I can’t even treat the most important person in my life fairly?”

Sasuke eventually tunes out when the man’s horrified guilt turns into rambling frustration —

“— and the worst part is that the arrogant bastard keeps sending me money. How much more passive aggressive can you even _get_ —”

— because Seventh doesn’t look like he wants insightful conversation; just a sponge he can rant to.

Besides, Sasuke thinks as he pulls out a chilled bottle of Chardonnay and two wine glasses from his extradimensional bar, the background noise of his rants in the early autumn air is quite nice.

***

Then, one innocuous evening, Sasuke gets kidnapped.

He’s walking back from work (the civilian one) when he gets ushered into an abandoned alley, the point of a gun digging into his side. He’s so perplexed by the sheer absurdity of the entire situation that he can barely react.

A quick jab of a frankly amateur syringe to the neck is all it takes, and darkness consumes him.

***

When he comes to, he’s tied to a chair in a small room illuminated by a single, dying tungsten bulb that swings from the ceiling via a long length of wire. He still feels groggy from whatever cocktail of drugs the kidnappers had introduced into his bloodstream. He’s also stripped down to his boxer briefs, which is pretty standard as far as humiliation and intimidation tactics go. Fortunately, he’s never defined his personality by the sharply tailored suits his job as senior associate at one of the biggest global consultant firms needs him to wear.

The kidnappers are evenly distributed between two men and two women, all wearing ridiculous Halloween face paint. He doesn’t respect them enough to bother knowing their names, so he labels the two men One and Two, and the two women Three and Four.

What he really wants to know, however, is why they kidnapped him in the first place. The Avenger has enemies. Itachi has enemies. Madara has enough enemies as the rest of the Uchiha family combined.

Luckily for him, his kidnappers are the talkative sort.

“You’re our ticket to riches, Uchiha,” Three coos, flipping a wicked-looking knife. “With you, we can finally control Lord Seventh.”

Do they know he’s the Avenger? Sasuke dismisses that thought as soon as it forms. They haven’t secured him thoroughly enough, so they clearly don’t view him as a superhuman threat. His identity is still safe.

“What makes you think Lord Seventh will come for me, specifically?” Sasuke asks, sounding as bored as he feels.

Three sneers. “Why wouldn’t he? We know who you are to him.”

“And who am I to him?”

Two pulls out some photographs. The first one shows Seventh climbing out of Sasuke’s window, taken on the night he had accidentally dragged him through the portal to his bedroom. The other photographs show Seventh standing on a series of vaguely familiar rooftops. Oh— He recognizes that one. He has a clear sightline to it from the bedroom of his new apartment. That building features in a majority of the photographs.

“We know you are lovers!” Two crows.

“Lovers,” Sasuke repeats in disbelief.

“Wouldn’t it be absolutely tragic if something were to happen to you because of him?”

“Tragic indeed,” Sasuke says flatly. “Please don’t hurt me.”

“Oh, babe,” Three says hungrily, completely missing the point. “Hurt doesn’t even begin to cover what we’re going to do to you.”

He lets them work on him a bit. They’re more about leaving showy blood and bruises rather than causing cold, efficient pain. As he resists the urge to yawn, his mind wanders back to the photographs. Maybe Seventh lives somewhere near Sasuke’s new apartment? Perhaps even the highrise opposite Sasuke's bedroom? The thought is pleasant. He really needs to get more friends outside of Naruto.

“All right, enough,” One says. “We need his face to be recognizable for the next part.”

Two holds up his phone in one hand and a tablet in another. “Here’s what’s going to happen, pretty boy. You’re going to read this script, word for word, and we’re going to broadcast it live to the device we left for Lord Seventh to find. Any funny business and you’re dead, got it?”

Sasuke grunts an affirmative.

“All right,” Two unlocks the tablet’s screen and pulls up the script. “Go.”

Sasuke waits a moment to ensure that the camera is actually rolling, and then says, “There’s blood in my eyes.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“So?” Four finally asks.

“So, _dumbass,”_ Sasuke says with infinite patience. “My vision is severely impaired. I can’t read shit if you keep the script that far away, can I?”

Four finally capitulates and shoves the tablet roughly under Sasuke’s nose.

Sasuke scans the contents. “There’s no way I’m saying this bullshit out loud.”

The camera is still rolling. He needs to agitate them enough so that they leave clues about bigger plans, if any, that Itachi’s people can find and analyse. Thankfully, after a lifetime of being the youngest in an enormous cohort of cousins and Naruto’s best friend, he’s gotten great at antagonizing people.

Three unsheathes her knife with a showy _snick_ and presses it against Sasuke’s cheek. “Guess we have to do this the hard way, huh?” She caresses his face with the knife, its blade leaving a hair’s width of a cut on his skin.

“Woman,” Sasuke says seriously, “Are you trying to turn me on?”

The blade stills. Bingo. “What?”

“You drug me, strip me down, tie me up, make me bruise deliciously and even offer to scar my face. I think I just came in my underwear.”

“No! God!” Three recoils. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Um,” Two asks, “Should I stop broadcasting?”

“No, wait,” Three says with a barely concealed shudder. “Such a creep.” She picks up the tablet and reads out a version of the script. It’s basic stuff — a hefty ransom and a safe passage within a specified time limit in return for Sasuke’s life.

The broadcast stops and the kidnappers silently troop out of the cell without sparing a backward glance.

Sasuke snorts. Amateurs. He’s beginning to suspect that they really are in it just for the money and not as pawns in some supervillain’s grand machinations of world domination. He’ll still wait for more slip ups, though.

That being said, he’s still chock full of drugs and his unnatural pain tolerance aside, he _has_ lost quite a bit of blood. He passes out for an indeterminable amount of time and comes to when the door bangs open.

The blood on his face has begun to crust disgustingly. Two strides in, reworks his restraints, frees his feet, and hauls him up.

Sasuke gets dragged through an aluminium-floored corridor and down a flight of stairs to the main storage area of the warehouse he’s in. It’s probably one of the abandoned ones dockside.

They join the other three and he gets one gun pointed to his head and the other to his gut. Sasuke and the kidnappers are on one end, and in the middle, ten metres away, in all his black and gold glory, is Lord Seventh, who visibly flinches when Sasuke totters into view.

“Let him go,” Seventh says, a hard, ruthless edge to his voice that Sasuke’s never heard before.

“We had a deal,” Two proclaims.

Sasuke eyes one of the storage cylinders behind Seventh. The gun to his skull makes things a little problematic. He doesn’t want to give his identity away, but he still slowly gathers chakra behind his left eye, ready to swap places with the cylinder the moment the need arises.

“I never agreed to a deal,” Seventh says, clearly stalling. “How am I supposed to get all that money on such short notice?”

“We know the royalty you make on your merchandise! We know the sales volumes!”

“Yeah, but you gotta know I give almost all of it away to charity.”

Sasuke actually believes the bit about the sales volumes and charity. It seems extremely on-brand. His own sales, on the other hand, are quite pathetic. He’s sure the only people who buy his stuff are his family and Naruto.

“The _deal,”_ Three snarls, “Or the freak here gets his perverted brains blown to the floor.”

“No,” Seventh says, steel in his voice. “I don’t think so.”

Huge golden fists burst out of the floor underneath each kidnapper, punching them into the air before they can react. Sasuke burns the rope around his wrists and dives, tucking into a roll to take cover behind the nearest pillar.

He pokes his head out to see the kidnappers immobilised in the giant arms that extend from Seventh’s golden form. Seventh has his own human-sized arms crossed, and is in the middle of giving them a stern lecture about the value of human life.

It’s depressingly anticlimactic and bloodless (for everyone except Sasuke), if he’s being honest.

He hears footsteps and suddenly, he’s being hauled up from the floor and being pulled into a desperate hug. Sasuke is instantly aware of his almost nudity, and how his balls seem to be resting quite snugly on Seventh’s thigh.

“I’m so sorry,” Seventh trembles, almost choking with guilt. “I can’t even imagine what you had to go through because of my carelessness.”

“It’s okay,” Sasuke says into a glowing golden shoulder. They’re supposed to be strangers, but if Seventh’s clinging to him like his life depends on it, they can stay like that for a while.

(He really, really misses Naruto’s casual touches and all-encompassing hugs. This is a decent substitute.)

“It’s not,” Seventh says fiercely, voice cracking. “It’s not okay. It will never be okay.”

“It was an honest misunderstanding, Lord Seventh,” Sasuke explains awkwardly. Should he pretend to be starstruck? “They saw you leave my old apartment when you dropped by with the Avenger, and they saw you patrolling around my new apartment, so they just...assumed. It’s not your fault.”

Seventh hesitates and finally disengages from the hug, keeping Sasuke at arm’s length.

“About that,” he says, and in one fluid motion, grabs the edge of his fox mask and rips it off.

Sasuke gapes.

Golden skin, slitted eyes, and three thick markings on each cheek aside, that face — right from the forehead to the nose to the jawline to the sheepish grin — was all—

“Holy shit,” Sasuke says.

Seventh — fucking _Naruto_ — wrings his hands. “Please don’t hate me.”

“Holy shit,” Sasuke says. “Am I on drugs? What did those assholes even give me?”

Naruto looks stricken, as if just coming to terms with everything Sasuke’s gone through as a hostage. “They drugged you! And— And you’re hurt. Sasuke, I can heal you a bit, but you need to get to a hospital.” Out of the blue, he starts yelling. “What were you _thinking,_ pissing them off on camera like that, you crazy bastard? What is wrong with you? Have you no sense of self-preservation?”

“Shut up,” Sasuke says, and wobbles. Naruto’s luminous hand shoots out to steady him, warmth spreading through his entire body from the point of contact.

“Sasuke—”

“Shut up. Stop talking. I need a drink.”

“Sasuke, I understand that you’re in shock, but—”

“I need a drink,” Sasuke says firmly. “And I’m getting it.”

He lets his chakra flow so that Naruto’s now looking into a mismatched pair of eyes— one purple with rings and the other an intricate pattern of red and black.

It’s Naruto’s turn to gape. Sasuke takes a moment of grim satisfaction to memorise the look of utter shock and disbelief on his face before he shoves Naruto's chest. Naruto stumbles backwards through the portal that opens up, and right into the dimension where Sasuke stores his alcohol.

The bar is on the edge of a cliff overlooking a glittering ocean of purple. Orange mountains rise up dramatically on the sides under a pale pink sky.

“You’re— You’re the Avenger?” Naruto yelps when Sasuke neatly steps through.

“Yep,” Sasuke says, bending down to look through his selection of fine liquors.

Naruto looks around wildly, as if expecting someone to tell him he’s in the middle of an elaborate prank and looks extremely dismayed when nobody does. “What are you avenging?”

“Everybody the system has done an injustice to. What are you the seventh Lord of?”

“There’s a— cult,” Naruto says faintly. “I’m the leader. Sorry, can you— Can you put on some clothes, please? I can weave you a chakra cloak, if you want.”

Sasuke waves his hand and his vigilante outfit with the cloak and fingerless gloves, sans the mask, settles over his skin. That, more than anything, seems to drive the final nail in the coffin.

“Holy shit,” Naruto says, looking vaguely ill. He blindly accepts the glass Sasuke hands him. “You really are the Avenger.”

“And you’re Lord Seventh,” Sasuke replies, and Jesus. It sounds so wrong.

They stare at each other.

Everything suddenly clicks into place.

“I’m the best friend,” they say simultaneously, with varying degrees of horror (Sasuke) and wonder (Naruto).

Naruto starts to snicker. Sasuke feels his blood pressure skyrocket. The crystal in his hand cracks slightly and he hastily knocks back the alcohol before anything can leak.

“It’s not funny,” Sasuke snaps. He makes a mental note to ask Shisui to send him more of the family marijuana.

“It kinda is, Sasuke.” Naruto’s grinning widely. “So you’re really in love with me? Like, for real? I was the reason why the most badass guy in town was moping around drunk?”

“Yes.” The glass in Sasuke’s hand finally splinters. “As I have informed you. Repeatedly.”

“Man,” Naruto says, running his fingers through his hair, looking a little dumbstruck. “You should have been more direct about it.”

“Direct?” Sasuke asks incredulously. “I flirted with you! I smiled at you and complimented the way you make instant ramen, the only dish you put even the slightest bit of effort in without me having to force you. I cook for you. I sit beside you. I clean your puke when you throw up. I even told you that I loved you, and you told me you loved me like a— like a _bro.”_

“Well, maybe you should have just gone ahead and kissed me like a man!”

Sasuke arches an eyebrow. "Look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t have found an impossibly convoluted way to misunderstand that too.” He narrows his eyes, remembering. "Wait. That's exactly what happened."

Naruto has the decency to look contrite. “Only because it was hard for me to believe that _you_ would ever want _me_ like _that.”_

“I do,” Sasuke says with a steely sort of determination. “And now I know you do too. We have a mutual understanding.”

“But what about Suigetsu? Because I don’t think I have it in me to share you with anyone.”

“We were never together. It was just a ruse to get you jealous so that you would realise you liked me romantically.”

Sasuke expects Naruto to be angry at the blatant admission of manipulation. He’s not prepared for the absolute delight.

“Really? Shit, I'm flattered. You guys pulled it off so well! I was so jealous that I couldn’t even eat!"

“Well, I’m glad you can enjoy it,” Sasuke says drily.

“So,” Naruto says, hope pouring out of him in waves. He’s no longer glowing, having faded into the ancient t-shirt and ugly sweatpants he wears at home. He still somehow manages to be the single most sinfully beautiful thing Sasuke has ever seen. “Does that mean you’re coming back home?”

 _I never really left,_ Sasuke wants to say, but he chooses to be an asshole. Naruto deserves it, anyway, for all the stress he’s put him through. “Yeah.”

“Also,” Naruto adds sombrely, “I’m sorry for, you know. Beating you up and ejaculating all over you.”

“Naruto,” Sasuke says, exasperated. “I could have stopped you any time I wanted to. Besides, I shouldn't have said what I did.”

“Yeah, but that doesn't mean—”

“I liked it. A lot. Feel free to beat me up and ejaculate all over me whenever you want.” Naruto’s face crumples, so Sasuke amends hastily, “Or not. Whatever you want, I’m up for it.”

“It’s just a little hard for me to be okay with fucking you up like that.”

“It's different when it’s sex. For me, atleast.”

“Well, I know that! It’s just— You know.”

Sasuke smirks. He does know. “Wouldn't it be nice for you to lose control for once and just take what you want? You know the Avenger doesn't break.”

Naruto blushes. “I guess we can do it like that, sometimes…” He mumbles into his drink, slowly sipping it.

Sasuke looks out to the glittering purple ocean. Funny how he'd never noticed the hints of pink reflected on the wavetops before. “Come here.”

Naruto does and carefully twines their fingers together, like he's expecting Sasuke to rip his arm off any moment.

“We could have had this so much sooner,” Naruto sighs when nothing violent happens. “Spared ourselves so much heartache.”

“It would have been easier had I been better at flirting with you.”

“It would have been easier had I been better at being flirted at by you.”

“Where’s the fun in easy,” Sasuke says and finally kisses Naruto, slow and lazy.

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.

“Oh no,” Naruto says mournfully later, after everything's wrapped up and he's back in their apartment with a very naked, sweaty Sasuke in his lap, bouncing on his dick.

“What,” Sasuke bites out. He leans back changes the angle just so and his eyes flutter shut as heat uncoils through his body. Naruto groans a _fuck you’re so hot, you’re so good,_ and wraps his hand around Sasuke’s woefully neglected cock, just holding it like the sadistic loser that he is.

“You were saying,” Sasuke prompts after they’re done and Naruto's sighing into his chest, loose-limbed and content in a way that makes Sasuke want to both punch him in the face and run off to elope with him and his shapely cheekbones.

Hn. That's an idea.

“Oh, nothing,” Naruto replies breezily. “I was just thinking how much I’m going to miss the mature, meaningful conversations I used to have with the Avenger.”

Sasuke does punch him then, but gently, with just the right amount of eye contact, a compliment and a smile.

***

*

_FIN._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments appreciated! Wrote this in a 10-hour sleep deprived haze, so would love to hear what worked/what didn't.
> 
> Edit 1: s/o to Luna for pointing out that this work was uploaded thrice (???). Have deleted the other two copies.
> 
> Edit 2: The second part of this series focuses on HashiMada (basically SNS, but also not), so just a heads-up if you're about to click on it.


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